My Blog

I never given up on a game before. But tonight, at bowling, I found that I (subconsciously) threw the game because I felt that my team did not deserve to win. I walked up with my bowling ball with a chance to win the game… quite easily in fact. However, something held me back. Needless to say, we were swept tonight (by the OBB, an acronym for Old Bagga Bones).

While I have stunk it up in bowling (162 average, 27 pins below my normal average), I have been on fire with the bat. I think a lot of my frustration from bowling has carried over to the softball field. I find that I am more focused, angry and vicious, to a point that I wouldn’t want to play against myself. Case and point… when it’s my turn to hit, I go up looking to hit it at someone (hard), which is usually what you try to avoid doing to be successful.

Last week, I wrote about feeling “out of it,” and being stuck in a routine. While nothing has really changed, my mood has. Never one to sit around and wait for something to fall on my lap, I am finding the only way to “break out of these chains” is to violently yank. Something’s gotta give…

Friends have asked what it is that I am striving for. Honestly, I’m not sure. Maybe, it’s the struggle and the “search” that intrigues me. Mid-life crisis perhaps…? Or maybe I’m just going crazy… Or maybe I just need to find a hobby that I can get totally engrossed in.

There comes a time in our lives when we simply have to “hang it up.” I fear I have reached these so called “crossroads.” Use to be that I succeeded in pretty much anything I set my mind on. While I base this statement mostly on competitive sports (since it is sports that trigger this post), I find that it relates to other areas of my life. The once spontaneous and reckless boy has left. I wouldn’t say for good. But I don’t see him, and needless to say, I miss him and wish that he come back. All that is left is a guy who, for lack of a better word, is “calculating” to a fault. These days I find that my decision making is geared towards results. And while that is ideal for someone my age, there are times when I welcome the mystery and uncertain nature of what the future has in store. I’ve heard someone say before, “Without chaos, there wouldn’t be happy accidents…” Not that I thrive in a chaotic environment, but there is an excitement with anticipating “something” happening, and yet, not knowing what that “something” is.

I guess what I’m trying to say is… I’ve come to “expect” in most facets of my life. What I miss, if you understand what I am saying, is to not anticipate, to not have everything laid out for me, and to just muddle through the unexpected.

MYSTERY vs ROUTINE… One is bland and boring. The other, irresistable and enticing.